陈写作【考研英语（一）】

一、考研英语（英语一）小作文评分（满分 10 分）

得分：6 分（中档，第三档：5–7 分）

考研小作文阅卷标准回顾：

9–10 分：格式正确，要点齐全，语言地道流畅，几乎无错误；

7–8 分：要点齐全，少量小错，表达较好；

5–7 分：要点完整，有若干表达、语序瑕疵，句式普通，有中式英语痕迹；

3–4 分：要点缺失较多，错误较多；

0–2 分：几乎跑题、格式严重错误。

本题要求：①祝贺当选学生会主席 ②送上祝福，两个要点都写到了，书信格式完整（称呼、结束语、署名 Li Ming 符合考研规范），没有跑题；但多处表达生硬、语序不当、书面语堆砌、句式单一，所以给到 6 分。

二、原文优点

审题准确，两个指令全部覆盖：祝贺 + 祝福，任务完成。

书信格式规范：Dear… / Sincerely yours, / Li Ming，符合考研书信格式要求。

有分层逻辑：开篇祝贺→夸赞对方优势→展望未来→再次祝贺 + 美好祝愿，层次清晰，用了 First of all / Moreover / Last but not least 连接词。

没有严重语法硬伤，无拼写错误。

三、原文缺点 & 错误逐条标注

原文：

Dear Li Hua,

      I should like this message to be taken as an expression of my heartfelt congratulations on your being elected chairman of the Student Union. I appreciate and am proud greatly of what you have done for our class.

      Facing your brilliant achievement, I will never forget your excellent ability. First of all, you have always been passionate about class affairs. Moreover, you possess excellent leadership skills. Last but not least, you are always ready to help our classmates.

     Thus, I really appreciate your hard work, and I am looking forward to seeing you lead the Student Union to greater achievements.

     Finally, I feel most obliged to congratulate you once more. May all the years ahead fulfill your dreams!

Sincerely yours,

Li Ming

I should like this message to be taken as an expression of…

问题：极度啰嗦、书面腔过重，日常同学之间祝贺信不需要这么繁复，属于刻意堆砌高级表达，不符合写给同班同学的语气（社交书信语气违和）。

am proud greatly of 语序错误

正确语序：am greatly proud of（副词 greatly 修饰形容词 proud，放前面）

Facing your brilliant achievement, I will never forget your excellent ability.

问题：中式英语。“面对你的成就，我永远忘不了你的能力” 逻辑别扭，英文不会这么表达。

I feel most obliged to congratulate you once more.

问题：be obliged to 本意是 “不得不、有义务”，不是 “由衷地”，用词误用，语义跑偏；be obliged to do≠由衷祝贺。

May all the years ahead fulfill your dreams!

问题：搭配生硬，典型中式直译，地道英文很少这么写。

句式问题：句子偏长、句式变化少，几乎都是简单句 + 并列句，缺少灵活从句，亮点句型不足；连接词比较模板化。

细节：题目原文是 chairperson（不分性别），原文写 chairman 不算错，但题目给的 chairperson 优先使用更好。

四、高分修改版（适配考研，8–9 分档，保留学生原有思路，优化地道度，难度适合考场默写）

Dear Li Hua,

      I am writing to convey my heartfelt congratulations on your election as chairperson of the Student Union. I am greatly proud of all you have done for our class.

      Your well-deserved success comes from your outstanding qualities. To begin with, you are always enthusiastic about class affairs. Besides, you are blessed with remarkable leadership skills. Most importantly, you are always willing to offer help to classmates around you.

      I admire your consistent efforts sincerely. I am convinced that you will guide the Student Union to make more remarkable progress.

      Once again, congratulations! Wish you every success in your new role and may all your dreams come true.

Sincerely yours,

Li Ming

修改说明：

删掉臃肿晦涩句式，语气贴合同学之间写信，自然得体，不生硬；

修正副词语序、be obliged to 用词错误；

保留了你原来三层优点：热心班级事务、领导力强、乐于助人，思路完全不变；

增加 well-deserved success / I am convinced that… 等考研高分句型，长短句结合；

结尾祝福改成英语书信地道表达 may all your dreams come true。