雅思大作文批改

雅思大作文批改（9分满分）

 

题目：In some countries, the government has tried to reduce traffic. For instance, they imposed a congestion tax during rush hour. Do you think this development is positive or negative?

 

原文

 

Recently, the topic about traffic has became very common. There is a tend that some countries introduce the tax about traffic jam. From my perspective, the positive aspects of this development are more than its drawbacks.

 

Admittedly, this tax policy is not flawless. Firstly, it would cause the financial pressure to people. To take the international city, Shanghai, China as an example, provided that citizens feel like purchasing vehicles, they have to pay for some proportion of the car price as the congestion tax. It is inconvenient for people in tight budget that the vehicles are necessary to commute for them. Secondly, this policy is not advantageous for the development for some areas. If the pillar industry of a place is delivery industry or tourism, the congestion tax would prevent people from other cities travel there.

 

Nevertheless, the congestion tax could play a pivotal role in civic administration. First of all, it could enhance the low-altitude atmosphere in city centers. For instance, in the past, the car fume and PM2.5 had spread over all the corners of Beijing, but 10 years ago the authority limit the cars particularly the rigs going across the city centre. Thus virtually all the pollutants had disappeared. In the second place, congestion tax contributes to the increase of government income that can be used in tackling traffic troubles and founding transportation amenities. That means people can commute via public transportation without spending money buying private cars.

 

To sum up, although there are some weaknesses of this tax, it could carry a extremely important implication about the municipal regulation.

 

原始得分：5.5 / 9

 

优点

 

1. 结构完整：四段式（开头-让步段-主体支持段-结尾），符合雅思大作文框架；立场清晰：利大于弊。

2. 有辩证思维：先承认弊端，再重点论证好处，有举例（上海、北京）。

3. 尝试使用高级词汇： flawless, pivotal, civic administration, municipal regulation 。

4. 使用基础连接词： Admittedly, Firstly, Secondly, Nevertheless, First of all, In the second place, To sum up 。

 

缺点 & 逐句错误纠正

 

类别：时态错误、冠词错误、固定搭配错误、语法结构错误、用词不准确、部分例子不符合事实（事实硬伤，影响Task Achievement）

 

第一段

 

1.  has became  → has become（现在完成时：become-became-become）

2.  a tend  → a tendency（tend动词；tendency名词：趋势）

3.  the tax about traffic jam  → a congestion charge（固定术语：拥堵费）

 

修改：Recently, traffic congestion has become a widely discussed issue. There is a tendency that some nations introduce congestion charges. From my perspective, the benefits of this measure outweigh its drawbacks.

 

第二段（让步段）

 

1.  cause the financial pressure to people  → create financial pressure for people（固定搭配 create pressure for sb）

2.  pay for some proportion of the car price  → pay a proportion of the vehicle cost（pay 后面直接接款项，不加for）

3.  people in tight budget  → people on a tight budget（固定搭配 on a tight budget 预算紧张）

4.  prevent people from other cities travel there  → prevent visitors from other cities from travelling there（prevent sb from doing）

5.  development for some areas  → development of some areas

 

事实错误：上海并没有征收拥堵费，这个例子不符合事实，会扣分！

 

第三段（主体段，大量用词/时态错误）

 

1.  enhance the low-altitude atmosphere  用词完全错误。想表达改善空气质量 → improve air quality（enhance不能形容空气；low-altitude atmosphere不是英文表达）

2.  the authority limit  → the authorities limited（复数+过去时）

3.  rigs  重型卡车，用词奇怪，建议heavy vehicles

4.  virtually all the pollutants had disappeared  夸张不符合事实，任务扣分，污染物不会全部消失

5.  founding transportation amenities  → funding public transport facilities

found = 创建；fund = 资助，单词混淆！

6.  congestion tax contributes to the increase of government income 语法没问题，但表达可优化

 

结尾段

 

1.  a extremely  → an extremely（extremely元音开头，用an）

2.  carry a extremely important implication about the municipal regulation  搭配错误，中式英语。

 

改为：To sum up, despite the minor downsides, congestion charging is a highly valuable tool for urban management.

 

改写到【7分版本】（保留考生原有思路，只修正错误，保留四段结构）

 

In recent years, traffic congestion has become a hot topic in many cities. Some countries have introduced congestion charges during rush hours to ease this problem. In my opinion, the advantages of this policy outweigh its disadvantages.

 

Admittedly, congestion charging is not a perfect solution. To begin with, it may create financial pressure for residents, especially those on a tight budget who rely on private cars for daily commuting. For example, if local residents have to drive to work every day, regular congestion fees will add to their monthly living costs. Furthermore, some industries such as tourism and delivery services may suffer. Higher driving costs could discourage visitors from other regions from travelling into the city.

 

However, congestion taxes can bring substantial benefits for city management. Firstly, this policy helps reduce car emissions and improve urban air quality. When fewer cars enter city centres, exhaust fumes and harmful particles decrease significantly. Another advantage is that revenue raised from congestion charges can be invested into public transport systems. With better buses and subway services, more citizens will choose public transport instead of buying private cars, which further cuts traffic volume.

 

In conclusion, although congestion charging has a few drawbacks, it is a very effective measure for cities to manage traffic and improve urban living conditions.

 

7分版本说明

 

1. 任务回应：立场清晰，正反论证均衡，例子合理，没有事实错误

2. 连贯衔接：段落逻辑清晰，连接词多样

3. 词汇：用词准确，有替换，少量不影响理解的小失误

4. 语法：混合简单句、复合句，时态准确，极少语法错误

 

如何从7分提升到8分（核心提分要点）

 

8分标准要求

 

1. Task Achievement：论证深度更强，论点充分拓展，观点有细节，例子贴切，不笼统。

2. Coherence & Cohesion：段落逻辑层层递进，不只简单用连接词堆砌，段落内部逻辑紧密。

3. Lexical resource：词汇精准、地道，同义替换丰富，几乎无搭配错误。

4. Grammar：多样复杂句式，几乎零错误。

 

针对性改进方案（针对这道题）

 

1. 论点深度升级（最重要）

原作文论点比较浅。8分写作可以深入：

 

(1)拥堵费核心作用：减少高峰期私家车出行，鼓励人们错峰出行或者转公共交通，不只是赚钱。

(2)弊端可以细化：低收入人群被迫承担成本，政府需要配套减免政策，而不是只说“有经济压力”。

 

2. 词汇升级（替换普通词汇）

(1)reduce traffic → alleviate traffic congestion

(2)advantages outweigh drawbacks → the merits overshadow the potential downsides

(3)money from tax → tax revenue

(4)public transport → public transit infrastructure

 

3. 句式升级

增加让步状语从句、倒装、分词结构，长短句穿插。

 

8分示范句：While critics argue that congestion charges place an extra financial burden on car owners, this policy incentivises citizens to shift away from private vehicles.

 

4. 规避事实错误

不要编造例子，不确定的例子不要写。如果不知道真实案例，可以用general陈述，不用强行写城市名称。

5. 扣题！ 题目核心：reduce traffic，不要跑偏到过多讲空气污染。空气污染是衍生好处，主线要围绕缓解交通。

 

8分参考范文（供参考）

 

Traffic jams have become a serious urban issue in many nations, and some governments have introduced rush-hour congestion charges to cut traffic volume. I believe this policy brings more positive impacts than negative ones.

 

It is undeniable that congestion charging imposes extra financial pressure on drivers. Residents who have no alternative but to commute by car must pay additional fees every working day, which increases their living expenses. Businesses dependent on road transport, such as tourism and freight delivery, may also lose customers because visitors avoid entering the city centre to escape the charge.

 

Even so, such a policy is an effective tool to control rush-hour traffic. The extra cost discourages unnecessary private car trips, so fewer vehicles enter city centres in peak hours, directly easing congestion. Moreover, the revenue collected can be reinvested into public transit, including buses and underground railways. Improved public transport offers citizens a reliable alternative to driving, creating a long-term solution rather than a temporary fix for traffic problems. Reduced traffic also cuts exhaust pollution, improving air quality in downtown districts.

 

Overall, despite some financial drawbacks for certain groups, congestion charging is a valuable urban policy that can reduce traffic and support sustainable city development.

 

扣分总结原文主要失分点

 

1. ❌ 单词混淆：fund/found；搭配大量中式直译

2. ❌ 时态、冠词基础语法错误较多

3. ❌ 举例不符合客观事实，夸张描述（污染物全部消失），Task Achievement丢分

4. ❌ 部分表达生硬，属于中式英语，词汇使用不准确