雅思小作文批改
雅思小作文批改（满分9分）
原始文章
The bar chart illustrates how the expectation for living standard will change among young individuals in Europe in the next 20-year period in 5 different fields including body well-being, air quality, water hygiene, food quality and people communication.
Overall, most of people look on the most bright side on the people communication as well as hold pessimistic thoughts on the air quality.
For the people communication, the percentage of people who believe that it will develop is over 60% ranking the top and followed by the food quality with 48% or so. At the same time, the water quality, whose property is less than second third of the people communication, is on the third sequence.
As for the air quality, it is only supported by the least young people and approximately 78% of the group think it would worsen. At the same time, young individuals who are not optimistic about the health constitute 56% of the group.
得分：5.0 /9
优点
1. 结构符合雅思小作文标准：介绍段 + 概述段(overview) + 细节段，分段规范。
2. 能识别图表核心内容，尝试做数据对比，试图区分“改善”和“变差”两组数据。
3. 能够使用一些基础连接词： Overall, For, As for, At the same time 。
缺点 & 逐句错误修正
核心问题：大量词汇搭配错误、语法错误、数据描述表述不清、部分数据理解偏差，大量中式英语表达
1. 第一段（介绍段）
原文：
The bar chart illustrates how the expectation for living standard will change among young individuals in Europe in the next 20-year period in 5 different fields including body well-being, air quality, water hygiene, food quality and people communication.
错误：
(1)body well-being 不地道，图表写的是Health，直接用health
(2)water hygiene 错误，图表是water quality水质，不是卫生hygiene
(3)people communication 错误，正确：communication between people
修改后：
The bar chart shows the expectations of young Europeans about whether five aspects of their quality of life will improve or get worse over the next 20 years. These areas are health, air quality, water quality, food quality and communication between people.
2. Overview概述段
原文：
Overall, most of people look on the most bright side on the people communication as well as hold pessimistic thoughts on the air quality.
错误：
1. most of people → most people（most后面直接加名词，不加of）
2. look on the most bright side 中式表达，搭配错误
3. as well as hold 语法不一致
修改：
Overall, young Europeans are most optimistic about communication between people, while they have the gloomiest outlook for air quality.
3. 第三段 细节段1
原文：
For the people communication, the percentage of people who believe that it will develop is over 60% ranking the top and followed by the food quality with 48% or so. At the same time, the water quality, whose property is less than second third of the people communication, is on the third sequence.
错误：
1. people communication 用词错误
2. ranking the top 语法碎片； and followed by 缺少连词
3. whose property is less than second third 严重错误，property不能用来描述百分比； second third 不存在，学生想表达2/3（two thirds）
4. on the third sequence 中式英语，雅思不用这个表达
修改：
In terms of communication, more than 60% of young people expect it to improve, which is the highest proportion. Food quality comes next, with 48% of respondents holding this positive view, followed by water quality at 40%.
4. 第四段 细节段2
原文：
As for the air quality, it is only supported by the least young people and approximately 78% of the group think it would worsen. At the same time, young individuals who are not optimistic about the health constitute 56% of the group.
错误：
1. it is only supported by the least young people 表达别扭，不能直接这样描述比例
2. think it would worsen 时态问题，陈述图表用will
3. the health ，泛指health不加the
修改：
When it comes to air quality, it has the lowest share of people expecting improvement. Around 78% of young Europeans believe air quality will get worse. Meanwhile, 56% of respondents do not expect health to improve.
完整7分范文（参考）
The bar chart shows the expectations of young Europeans about whether five aspects of their quality of life will improve or get worse over the next 20 years. These areas are health, air quality, water quality, food quality and communication between people.
Overall, young Europeans are most optimistic about communication between people, while they hold the most pessimistic view about air quality.
In terms of communication, over 60% of young people expect it to improve, the highest figure among the five categories. Food quality is the second most positively-rated area, with 48% expecting an improvement, followed by water quality at 40%.
By contrast, air quality has the smallest proportion of people expecting progress, as roughly 78% believe it will deteriorate. More than half of young people (56%) also think health will not get better. For food quality and health, close to half of respondents anticipate that these areas will become worse in the future.
从5分到7+
1. 词汇：避免直译中式英语。不要硬造短语（people communication、on the third sequence），小作文固定词：proportion, percentage, respondents, optimistic/pessimistic, deteriorate, improve
2. 数据描述：不要写模糊的 less than second third ，直接写数字；分清两组数据：will improve（黑色）和get worse（灰色）。原文最大问题：混淆“认为会改善”和“认为会变差”两组数据。
3. 语法：
(1)most people ✔，most of people ❌
(2)分词结构、被动语态不要混用出错；一句话不要堆砌太多信息。
4. Overview（概述段）是提分关键：总结最大、最小特征，不要堆砌数据。概述只讲整体趋势，不要写具体数字。
5. 逻辑：同类数据放一段，对比类数据放一段。不要每句都加 at the same time ，连接词不要重复滥用。
核心扣分原因复盘
1. Lexical resource词汇：大量搭配错误、自创表达，造成理解困难（主要扣分点）
2. Grammatical Range：句子结构错误、碎片句，时态混乱
3. Task Achievement：部分数据表达模糊，描述不够清晰
4. Coherence & Cohesion：连接词重复，句子之间逻辑衔接生硬
原文升级改造：从5分 → 7分版本
原则：保留考生原来的写作思路、原有信息结构，只修正错误、替换地道词汇、理顺语法，不彻底重写，适配雅思小作文7分标准。
7分标准参考：任务回应完整，信息清晰；衔接自然；词汇有变化，少量小错不影响理解；多种复合句。
【考生原始原文】
The bar chart illustrates how the expectation for living standard will change among young individuals in Europe in the next 20-year period in 5 different fields including body well-being, air quality, water hygiene, food quality and people communication.
Overall, most of people look on the most bright side on the people communication as well as hold pessimistic thoughts on the air quality.
For the people communication, the percentage of people who believe that it will develop is over 60% ranking the top and followed by the food quality with 48% or so. At the same time, the water quality, whose property is less than two thirds of the people communication, is on the third sequence.
As for the air quality, it is only supported by the least young people and approximately 78% of the group think it would worsen. At the same time, young individuals who are not optimistic about the health constitute 56% of the group.
修改后（7分版，保留你原来的段落结构）
The bar chart illustrates young Europeans’ expectations about changes to their quality of life over the next 20 years across five areas: health, air quality, water quality, food quality and communication between people.
Overall, most young people are optimistic about communication between people, while they hold pessimistic views about air quality.
For communication, the proportion of people who believe it will improve is over 60%, which is the highest figure. It is followed by food quality at roughly 48%. Meanwhile, water quality ranks third, with 40% of young people expecting an improvement.
As for air quality, the share of people expecting improvements is the lowest. Approximately 78% of the group think it will get worse. Meanwhile, 56% of young individuals are not optimistic about health.
修改明细（每一处改动说明，方便对照学习）
第1段（改写要点）
1. 删除中式表达 body well-being / water hygiene / people communication ，替换为图表标准词汇 health, water quality, communication between people
2. 精简冗长句式 how the expectation for living standard will change → young Europeans’ expectations about changes to their quality of life ，更地道
3. 去掉啰嗦的 in the next 20-year period in 5 different fields including ，改用冒号列举，更简洁
第2段 Overview概述段（核心提分段）
1. most of people → most young people （语法错误修正）
2. look on the most bright side （中式）→ are optimistic about （小作文高频加分词）
3. as well as hold 改成连词 while，形成对比（雅思7分必备：对比概括）
4. pessimistic thoughts → pessimistic views 固定搭配
第3段
1. people communication → communication
2. ranking the top and followed by 语法碎片，改成定语从句 which is the highest figure. It is followed by
3. 删掉错误表达 whose property is less than two thirds / on the third sequence （完全中式，雅思不使用）
4. 直接写数据： water quality ranks third, with 40% of young people expecting an improvement.
原句“小于三分之二”属于概念混乱，直接写图表真实数据，任务得分提升。
第4段
1. it is only supported by the least young people （别扭难懂）→ the share of people expecting improvements is the lowest
2. think it would worsen → think it will get worse （图表描述用一般将来时）
3. young individuals who are not optimistic about the health constitute 56% of the group 精简为 56% of young individuals are not optimistic about health ，去掉多余the
达到7分的4个关键改动逻辑（记住这个，自己改写作文）
1. Task Achievement：描述数据要写准确，不要自创模糊数学描述；Overview必须写最大、最小对比。
2. Coherence：保留原有分段，连接词适当替换，不要反复堆砌 At the same time 。
3. Lexical resource：
proportion / share / figure / respondents / optimistic / pessimistic / improve / worsen（背诵这一组静态图词汇）
不要自创短语 people communication, on the third sequence
4. Grammar：混合简单句+定语从句，避免碎句；名词泛指不加多余the。
考场仿写小技巧
你写作文可以沿用你原来的四段结构：
1. 介绍图表
2. Overall总结极值（最高、最低）
3. 描述高比例乐观项数据
4. 描述悲观项数据
